There are so many thoughts racing through my mind tonight. This ovulation induction cycle feels like it has been going on forever. Finally, it is BETA eve. Tomorrow I will know the outcome of this cycle. To say I am on edge is an understatement. It has been a turbulent two week wait. I’ve spotted, I’ve cramped and ached. Additionally, my mind has been jelly-like. Am I pregnant, or am I not. Tomorrow I will know.
I almost don’t want to know. Despite keeping a very nonchalant demeanour as this cycle has endured, I do care about the outcome. I want to be pregnant. It is hard to believe that it could actually happen though. Finding out will put me out of my misery. Even if the outcome is negative, I know I’m not going to die. The world won’t end, life will keep on going. The only difference is that my heart will be broken yet again.
I will fall. That is okay. Just as sure as I will fall, I will get back up again. Perhaps I’ve got you rolling your eyes right now asking how can I be so pessimistic. Well! Let me tell you why! This two week wait has been the most… unique one yet.
It started the day after my last update, which was 4 days post ovulation (dpo). I woke up, went to the bathroom to insert my pessary, and I was spotting. There is an absolutely logical reason as to how or why I could have been spotting at this point in time. 4dpo is far too early for any sort of spotting. A blastocyst would not have even formed at this stage, let alone implanted. If this was an IVF cycle, not an ovulation induction cycle, an embryo wouldn’t have even been transferred at this stage.
The day before this my progesterone had been sitting well above where they wanted it to be, at over 100. The only thing I could fathom as to why I was spotting was that perhaps my progesterone has plummeted overnight. A drop in progesterone is what triggers menstruation. I didn’t think that could be possible given how much progesterone I have been taking. 1600mg to be precise. I didn’t say anything to Rob initially. I hoped it would pass.
Days went by and the spotting did not stop. I was beginning to feel post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms. Most significantly, I was having flashbacks to my chemical pregnancy. Every time I went to the toilet, an image of bright red blood would appear in the forefront of my mind. As I wipe myself and glance at the toilet paper, I have to blink, collect myself and refocus on the toilet paper. That fresh blood image is the first thing I see. It isn’t what is there, it has been very light spotting that I’ve experienced. Nonetheless, I initially see fresh, red blood.
My mind races through every step of this cycle. What did I do wrong? Perhaps it was the shower I took that was on the hotter side. I stood in it for quite some time letting the hot water soothe my aching back. Did that make me start spotting?
My usual habits and chore fell to the wayside. There is a mountain of laundry just waiting for me to deal with. It was all I could do to maintain excursions outside the house. I didn’t even want to call the clinic. They would only say they didn’t know what it was. Or worse yet, they would tell me it was over.
It was Friday when I had Rob call after 4 days of spotting. The nurse didn’t have an answer for us. It was far too early for it to be a period. At this point, I was now 7dpo in an ovulation induction cycle. They thought perhaps it was implantation bleeding but it started way too early. The nurse told me to get a blood test, either that day or Monday. I went on Monday.
I did a tiny bit of googling. In the past, I’ve been told that the pessaries can aggravate the cervix and sometimes cause spotting. I turned to google to see if that was something that had been verified with the new progesterone I was on. Google gave me the implication that it was maybe an allergic reaction. Sometimes that happens with progesterone pessaries, and these ones are new. My vagina was tight, and it was difficult for me to insert my pessaries the whole way.
Over the weekend, at 9dpo, the spotting stopped, and my body began to loosen up. The pessary was inserting with much more ease, and even the accompanying pessary discharge seemed to be decreasing.
I went in for a blood test on Monday to check my progesterone levels. They had dropped. They were now 96. So it is still in the range that it needed to be, but the drop had me concerned. I agonised over this with Jessica, who promptly pulled out her diary from the year she was pregnant with Miss E.
Turns out she had a similar progesterone drop, from over 100 to under 100, around the same figures as mine. That gave me hope. Miss E is here, living and breathing and filling lives with joy. A small drop in progesterone isn’t the end of the world. To top it off, the spotting had stopped.
I’ve been tired, disorientated, had intense lower back pain, and have been waking up early. Oh, and as of this afternoon at 13dpo, I am spotting again. This time I am not confused by it. It feels almost like it should be what is happening. I am getting my period. That said though, ever since I reduced my water intake from +4L a day to approximately 2L a day, I have never spotted. Why you a bitch body?!
On this, BETA eve, I sit here with a heart filled with fear and doubt. How can a baby have formed and stuck through all this? I know it does, it happens all the time. A friend of mine who is currently pregnant has spotted all throughout her pregnancy and her baby is safe and seemingly healthy. There is no reason for her spotting either.
All that said, I have hope. I have never made it to a BETA. It has always been moved forward because I start bleeding. This is the first time I have made it to an original test date (OTD). Technically I have made it beyond the OTD as that was initially set for Wednesday. The nurse bumped it to Friday though, after realising it would have only been 12dpo.
I know that this can happen with a positive result. My mind cannot comprehend it though. Spotting means it is over. Spotting leads to bleeding, bleeding leads to a period and a negative BETA. Every little trickle, queef, or unusual phenomena that goes on downstairs makes me want to run to the bathroom and check the spotting. This is what it usually feels like when I’m getting my period.
How can hope endure when everything seems to be pointing to a negative BETA result
At least with ovulation induction, you can just get back on the horse and start again the next day. Honestly though, that scares me somewhat. This cycle produced a dominant follicle from the correct ovary. Odds are, the next one will not. This was a big part of my initial hesitation to go back to ovulation induction after IVF.
So that’s where I am at right now, that is what has come to pass since my last update. Tomorrow is a new day, and I honestly do not know what I should be expecting. I do know that I will survive.
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