My best and worst quality are one and the same, and that is empathy. I love that I am able to empathize with almost everyone in any situation. If I cannot empathize, I can generally sympathize. It makes me a great person to talk to when you’re going through a hard time. It is something I love about myself, but I also hate it. My ability to empathize makes me lose my own perspective and diminish my own experiences. This is something I’ve always battled with and today, I’ve got a story for you.

This is my best friend Chloe*. She is one of my best friends. I am a lucky duck because I have two Chloe*. and I first met when we were 16 and hired at a local jewellery store as wee little Christmas casuals. We weren’t instantly bestie, our friendship blossomed over time and one day we realised we were bff!

Chloe* is my Positive Penny in the bleakest of times. She has never given up hope for a good outcome for me in any situation. As she lifts me up, I keep her grounded. When she finds herself carried away, I hold on tight and gently show her reason. I love Chloe* completely.

We have been there for each other through it all, even when geography was part of the equations. She was my Maid of Honour, and I am hers in her upcoming nuptials. We have the same overarching goal in life; to be amazing mothers. I can see us doing that together. We hope our kids will be besties just like us.

On the way to our Prince Charmings, we have supported each other through all the frogs. I cannot count the nights we used to spend on the phone for hours analysing our relationships while I lived in Brisbane. We’ve shared joyful moments and tragedies. In addition, we’ve battled mental health together and now we are about to face our potentially most difficult journey together.

Chloe* is getting married very soon and once she is married, she will start trying to conceive. I am absolutely terrified that Chloe* is going to get pregnant before me. Worse yet, I am terrified that she will have that baby before I even fall pregnant. I have lost a lot of sleep over this for many reasons.

I will never ever wish infertility on another person. At my core, I hope that Chloe* falls pregnant very quickly. I just hope that I fall pregnant first. The reality of the situation is that Chloe* will more than likely be the first of us to have a baby. We are both very aware of this. Last week, we courageously voiced our feelings about it to each other.

The conversation came about after Chloe* asked how our current cycle was going. It’s been a hard one for her to wrap her head around; Ovulation Induction compared to IVF. Rob found the right description for her to comprehend and that was drug assisted natural conception. Don’t blame her for struggling with that one. I know Jessica constantly had to explain it all to me when she was going through it. At some point in our discussions, we both said we were nervous about Chloe* becoming pregnant before me. She is nervous about it happening too but from almost a mirror perspective to mine.

We both want my journey to come to an end. We’re coming up on three years of this hell in November. Chloe* has seen it all. She’s watched my heart break over and over, has seen me numb out to it, heard tales of lost friendships. Probably the most intense part of it all that she witnessed was Jessica’s pregnancy through my eyes. She saw how much that destroyed me and we are both scared if she gets pregnant first, that it will do the same.

Other than Jessica, Chloe* is my person. I pulled away from Chloe* through my diagnosis process because her positive attitude was too much for me. She was too quick to chime in the unsolicited relaxation suggestions. When Jessica fell pregnant and my situation worsened, Chloe* my voice of reason kept telling me to put my issues aside to be happy for my sister. She knew I wanted to share in Jessica’s joy, but she couldn’t comprehend why I couldn’t. So I pulled back. I took fertility and ttc conversations off the table.

The further Jessica got into her pregnancy, I found I needed my best friend more than ever. So one day, I sat down with Chloe*. I told her that I just needed her to listen to everything I had to say and not respond until I was done. She agreed, so I spilled my guts. I told her every single aspect of my diagnosis and how that made me feel about everything, from my identity as a woman to how Jessica’s pregnancy made me feel. That conversation was a turning point in our relationship.

Chloe* may not have truly been able to empathize with my situation, but she was able to conceptualize my pain. I painted a picture of my suffering clearly for her. While she cannot relate to the experience completely, she has a better understanding of the pain and conflict I feel. She was also able to understand what I needed from her and our friendship during this phase of life. Since then, I have found great comfort in Chloe*. She has also learnt more about how to best support me.

Now, we face the challenge of her becoming pregnant before me. I told her how terrified I was that this will happen, but that my greater concern was that it would change our relationship to a point of disrepair. I know Chloe*, and she tends to become absorbed in her own situation, as we all can do. My fear is that she will forget that I am still waiting. That she will become so deep in her joy and forget that I am hurting. My worry is that my pain will anger her, and drive us apart. What she told me in response was slightly shocking and has kept me thinking ever since.

Her concern is similar. She worries that I won’t be able to share in her joy. Chloe* understands that it will be hard for me and expects some level of withdrawal from me if she does get pregnant first. But I am her best friend. She wants to be able to share her joy with me, and have me be happy for her in a way such that she doesn’t have to censor herself. Chloe* knows it will be hard for me if she is pregnant first. She wants almost as much as me for me to be pregnant and this nightmare to end. On the other hand, she knows the reality of the situation and as it stands, her odds are better than mine.

I’ve had a few friends now start trying after me, get pregnant before me and have those babies before I even get pregnant. One of those friendships doesn’t exist anymore, and others do. The success of those friendships that have lasted has been based on communication. Open and honest on both ends as well and mutual understanding. However, none of those relationships have been as strong as mine with Chloe*.

Chloe* is my best friend. We tell each other everything. We have the kind of friendship where you stay on the phone even if you’re doing a poo. There is no topic off limits. She is my safe space, no judgement zone. Even when we judge each other, laugh at each other, we still love each other. How do we adjust when what we want to share could hurt the other?

We ended our conversation establishing that communication will be how we will get through whatever comes our way. When I need to step back from Chloe* and her joy, she needs to be patient with me and understanding. In the spirit of that sentiment, I also need to find within myself the ability to separate my pain from her joy. I will need to be outwardly excited for her and remember she isn’t trying to be hurtful if she accidentally is. Inevitably along the way, we may hurt each other but we need to remember that we love each other because neither of us wants this friendship to end.

I have had a vision for years of a future that heavily includes Chloe*. There will come a time when we will be sitting together on a patio sipping wine. Our husbands will bro out over the barbeque as our children run wild around the backyard. We will watch on with satisfaction in our hearts knowing our dreams have come true. Our families will be so close that my kids all her Auntie Chloe*, and her’s call me Auntie Sarah. It will be hard for them to understand why they call us that but aren’t actually related to each other. The only way this will come true is if we can survive through our greatest challenge to date.

Sometimes I wonder if perhaps I am on this journey because someone else close to me will follow my path after. Maybe that will be Chloe*. I hope that it isn’t, but I know that if life unfolds that way, I will be right beside her every step of the way. I’ll support her with understanding and empathy. The same empathy that is now causing conflict in my heart.

I remember when Jessica was trying to conceive little Miss E. It must have been a challenge for her as I started trying myself. At the time we started this journey we didn’t have a diagnosis. I was oblivious to any concept of there being any reason why it wouldn’t happen naturally. It must have been hell for Jessica facing a potential reality of her sister becoming pregnant before her. I am the eldest, it wouldn’t be odd for the big sister to get pregnant first, but she started trying first. Jessica did get pregnant first, but I know from personal experience that it must have been horrible for her.

So, rounding back around to my empathy problem. Sometimes that bubble of ignorance to those around you is better. Up until that conversation with Chloe*, I had not stopped to think about how she must feel. I was selfishly caught up in my own feelings. Not fathoming that perhaps she has thoughts and fears about the situation too.

It never occurred to me that perhaps despite understanding our feelings, sometimes they feel how we do. Everything I have raged about actually may be a reflection of my own failings. I’ve preached about a desire for empathy from pregnant ladies, but perhaps I haven’t shown them empathy. That’s somewhat wrong as I am far too empathetic, but I’ll come back to that.

I think what has happened is that I’ve developed a shield of self-preservation. To protect myself, I try not to look at the other side of the situation. It just hurts too much to accept that my pain is causing pain to others. If I look too closely at that, my empathy takes over and I begin to diminish my own situation.

What it comes down to is finding a balance in my emotions. That ability to be empathetic, show love and understanding, but also protect my heart and not allow someone else’s pain to negate my own. Two people may be upset about the same thing but for different reasons. No one is more right than the other.

I do not have a crystal ball to know how the future will unfold. What I do know is that I will do everything within my power to give my friend what she needs from our friendship. There will be times when her needs are greater than mine and vice versa. I know that Chloe* will do everything she can as well. I know this because we took the time to have a difficult conversation with each other.

Even if Chloe* gets pregnant before me, and even if we drift apart, I know we will find our way back to each other. Especially when she welcomes her child into this world. I am glad that I can empathize with how she feels, but it is important not to beat myself up and neglect my own emotions. Sometimes I will have to preserve my heart, as will Chloe*. Communication will be our saving grace.

I am in no way telling you to deny your feelings, but it is worth considering putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. Especially if this someone you always expected empathy from. There is no right or wrong in this situation. You should feel free to feel as you do. Keep in mind, your friend does too. Take inventory of the friendship and try communicating. Perhaps you are both as conflicted as each other.