A ‘chemical pregnancy’ is a term given to a very early stage miscarriage, a pregnancy so early nothing would have been visible on an ultrasound. In fact, we would not have even known that I was pregnant if we were not undergoing fertility treatment having regular blood tests. I wonder if it would almost have been better to not know at all. We were so close, yet so far away.
A beautiful, hatching blastocyst was transferred on May 4th, and then nine days later on Mother’s Day, I started spotting. It was different than my usual spotting, and was inconsistent. It was a very pale pink, whereas usually my pre period spotting is old blood from the previous cycle. But there was none of that, just pale pink. I had absolutely no symptoms of a pregnancy or period except for spotting. My spotting never stopped for longer than a few hours and did not change its consistency. Regardless, I assumed it was the end.
On the following Tuesday, I had my scheduled pregnancy test and was baffled when they called and told me my hCG was at 8. The nurse told me that to confirm a positive pregnancy, hCG needed to be over 50 at this stage, but to say that it was negative hCG needed to be below 2. Pretty much, there was a slim to none chance that the pregnancy would continue. Two days later the second hCG test came back with a result of 11.
I began to feel hope. Logically I knew that it was not going to last. My hCG level should have doubled at least in the time between tests, not jump by three points. I still had a small amount of hope in my heart though. It did not last long though, it completely dissipated come the following Saturday when the flood gates opened and I began bleeding in full force. The following hCG test on the Monday gave a 5, and by the Fridays everything was back to 0. It was back to the gynaecologist to find out where we go from there. I was left with an unsettled feeling.
Symptoms of a pregnancy or a miscarriage never presented with the exception of spotting which made it all seem even more unreal. I was on 800mg of progesterone and my breasts did not even swell. Ever since we started trying for a baby, I have noticed my breasts swell post ovulation. I’d been told that miscarrying was painful, but I only got my standard endometriosis pains. I had nothing tangible to prove a miscarriage other than a blood test result suggesting implantation had occurred but failed to hold. The result would not have even showed up on a home pregnancy test.
We had a miscarriage. It feels like a dream, or like a story I have been told about someone else that I only kind of know through a mutual friend. I think because it was so early and was doomed from the first moment we found out about it, I never actually considered myself pregnant or felt like I was. I know it happened, but it doesn’t feel real. Perhaps it is a defence mechanism, not allowing myself to get upset about it. We were so close, yet so far. I feel unsettled by the experience.
I often find myself confronted with emotions like frustration and annoyance, just a small step away from anger. I am frustrated by the knowledge that yet another month has passed and another two will pass between now and our next IVF cycle. I am frustrated by how little of this I am able to control. I am annoyed at how easily I become fearful and doubt my self worth because I’m fertility challenged. I connect with self-doubt the most. Life goes on though, and I have not been able to dwell on this set back, because time waits for on one. It already feels like a life time ago.
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